"You win Aiza... Is that what you wanted to hear?  No?  It's all my fault then. I'm selfish, big-headed, and self-absorbed.  Is that what you wanted to hear?  Fine...

Just stop hurting me... Leave me alone... Don't talk to me... I keep telling you not to talk to me but you keep on doing it... hurting me... careless, thoughtless words...

You win... Stop hurting me now... Leave me alone..."

Hatred... it consumes me...

I've been pounding away at my punching bag this morning, practically and literally ripping it apart.  Ignoring my aunts, my dad, and my granmother screaming at me to stop.

Hatred... bottled up emotion finally unleashed...

A reminder...

A face... Smiling as it lies...

Hatred... Hatred... Hatred... I've never hated someone so much...

Damn... I never knew hatred could feel so good.

But as it numbs... all I could feel was sorrow... the residual sting of betrayal... I can never forgive you now... I will never forgive you.

Dad and I... we drank ourselves to near oblivion... the silence was comforting.  "Leave it all behind, Yan."  He smiled at me drunkenly, slinging an arm around my shoulder, clumsy, drunken, but holding me steady.  "Iwanan na natin ang lahat.  Lumipad na tayo."

Fly...

I smiled...  He laughed.  I loved again...  Jumping off the roof...

Sakit ng paa ko...

I'm so upset right now... I don't know what I might do...

Fuck me... It's happening again... I told myself before if that shit like my mom's disappearing act happened again, I would shatter completely... How many times?  How many times should I let myself be betrayed like this. Abandoned and given up on?

I don't know anymore...

I'm so upset.

Why couldn't it be simple this Christmas?  Always a Merry fuckin' Christmas to me...

I'm locking my heart again... But this time, I'm giving the only key to one person. 

Betrayal hurts... It fucking hurts...

I'm so upset...

Shattered...

Hatred... For most people, it's an emotion familiar to them like skin.  It's a rare feeling for me...  Anger? Yes.  Disappointment? Yes. Apathy?  More than yes.  But I've never hated my sister before even in my anger... Now I do... because she's just like my mom...

Shattered... Shattered completely... The damage is done, Aiza... Are you happy now?

I will not acknowledge whatever inane rants you, my dear Aiza, are ranting about.  You still talk and talk but you still don't get it.  I bet you never will.

I will not explain anything to you anymore.  Bahala ka na da mangakig sa akon... Basta akig man ako sa imo and you'll never know why.

My sister wrote this:

well...what do you want? you should have spoken to me then....I can argue with you the whole day and still you wont believe a single word Im going to say you. if im going to go up and say sorry that wont change anything coz like you said you feel like we've parted ....well thats what you think mel, but its not like that at all...you see when you stop at one end you start again from the point that to ended. Everything depends in what you think....you tried to reach out? yes I know you did....and I know that i tried...will you hate me if  I wasnt able to reach your hand while falling down a cliff? things came up...things stacked up like piles of unending noodles.....but it will all clear and when it does...ill start at that same point Ive ended with you....where ther was no argument, where there was no hate, no fales smile, no grudges, and no maskes.

then you spoke to me just the othere night, well you crushed me like an insect. it was a surprise for me...coz I was dealing with something and for once I didnt want to run to you.....i wanted to solve this myself, then tell you the result so you could feel proud of me....I dont like the thought of me just running to you if I have problems....you always told me that you feel like your being used...well i dont want you to feel that way...ever...coz your my sister...and I really think of you as my real sister...and to tell you honestly....im happy now and its all thanks to you...you built me...but I cant understand you.....do you want me help now? why dont you tell me? Im pretty much dens too you know...id rather listen to kindergarden english than all the hard words and vocabs young adults and adults use....

heck if you wanted to tak to me...tell me...coz maybe I was trying to impress someone....I dont know....dont blame me for everything....well I hope your really not disapointed with me....you always said that being disapointed is worst that being angry...isnt this what you want to see for along time? me being happy? that last phrase might have sounded selfish....yeah...well im sorry and if you need me to kneel infront of you and beg fro your forgivness......just give the call I will.

long ago i begged you to accept me for who I am, coz you decided to ignored me.  well...if you want ......I can start from that kind of past again.

Merry christmas...

My response:

Fuck sis... You still don't get it do you?  Like I said... don't bother talking to me until you understand.  The problem with you is that you fuckin' over analyze things.  Pa martyr ka dira!  Self-absorbed ka man gihapon!